The New Me

I’m going through a lot of changes in my life. All for the good I think. I started going back to school, again, last October. I’m going to school online, pursuing my Bachelor’s degree in Graphic Design. What I was originally going to do after high school before I took my little field trip (ok, it was a big field trip). I got my Associates Degree in Visual Communications and Information Systems about 2 years ago. I had also done that online, but I don’t think that school was a good fit for me. I graduated not feeling like I learned a lot. Here I am 6 months into a 2 year program and I already feel like I have learned so much more than I did in the other school. And I’m loving it, so that’s really important.

Another change is that I’m going and seeking help from a nutritionist. I’ve battled my weight for my whole life. I’ve been good the last few years sticking within my dietary restrictions for my heart condition and I was eating healthy, or so I thought. But I was still gaining weight, actually a significant amount of weight. My doctor wasn’t concerned. She told me it’s because I’m over 35, I’m post menopausal, it happens, I just need to exercise more. So with a friend from work, I joined a gym and started going religiously 3 times a week and still nothing was coming off. I met this amazing woman, she actually does massage work as well as nutrition. That’s how I met her, I went for a massage and It has been one of the best things for me in a while. She is helping me to make little changes in my diet and bam!! There is starting to be a noticeable difference. My energy level is up some, I’m happier and my clothes are starting to fit better. All great things.

Now I’m going to have to face one of the scariest things I’ve had to face since cancer. My baby girl is graduating from high school. Not only that, she’s leaving the day after graduation and moving 14 hours away (driving) to live with my mom. This is such a confusing time for me. I’m so excited and happy for her. I think this will be good for her, living away from me. While I don’t try, I think that I baby her too much. I don’t know that she’ll spread her wings while she lives with me and so far she’s not interested in going to college.

Yes, I have been arguing continually that she needs to go, she’s unsure and thinks that she wants to go to school online. I love her so much and think she’s brilliant, but I know that she doesn’t have the discipline that is needed to do school work online. My mom plans on hopefully changing her mind once she gets Tiff there.

So now my new dilemma, how do I go about living without her? I know I’ll make it and part of me is looking forward to some freedom and some quiet time. The joy of knowing that if the house was clean when I left, when I get home, it’ll still be clean. That I won’t be picking up anyone’s mess by my own. There’s definitely an upside, but there’s a downside too. Who’s going to go with me on my spontaneous trips to the ocean? Who’s going to warn me before I walk out the door that I really shouldn’t wear what I’ve got on, that I should add this or take away that?

I want her to go because this will be good for her. It’ll be good for my mom. They need each other. In a way, it’ll be good for me too, in time. But it’s going to be a rough first year, I know that. I’m going to need my friends to help distract me and keep me busy so that I don’t wallow. God, sitting here typing this I’m in tears already.

So looking forward to the new me, more knowledge (in school and nutrition), feeling better (physically) and childless. It’s gonna be weird. But I still have her prom and graduation to look forward too in the meantime. I’m going to make the most out of these times.

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