Time to Slow the heck down!

I found this on Google when I typed in Slow Down, I think it’s fitting for me.

Since my lovely daughter has left for TN, I have been moving at warp speed. I am working my regular job plus a second job (that’s strictly volunteer) and school. To say that I’ve been burning the candle at both ends is an understatement.

So it’s time that I slow the heck down and take time to smell the roses, or another flowers for that matter. I fly out in two days to spend 10 days with my mom and daughter and I’m going to use that time to try and re-group and re-think how I tackle work, projects and just everything.

October 12th is my 19 year anniversary of being in remission, it’s only fitting that I be with mom and Tiff during this time and that I start to remember that life isn’t worth living if you don’t actually live it.

My volunteer job is what I actually love doing, I’m designing, contributing, brainstorming and working with an amazing group of people. Their love and support during the last few months has been what’s kept me going. I can’t stop being part of that, it’s become such an important part of my life. It’s helped me to grow and learn things about myself that I needed to learn.

School is important too, it’s teaching me the information that I need to know to help at my volunteer job. Becoming a Graphic Designer isn’t just a dream anymore, it’s becoming a reality. And while it’s not necessary that I get that piece of paper that says I have a degree, it’s really important that I see this through.

So I think it comes down to that I need to be find a way to manage my projects and school work more efficiently so that I can have some semblance of a life outside of these things. I need to find time for me. I need to be able to go back to the gym again, to spend time with my brother (who I have been neglecting, not that he’s not busy too, but I feel like I’ve been neglecting him), to spend time with friends and to have some down time too.

So while my life is about to get a heck of a lot crazier with multiple projects, I’m going to do my best to slow down and enjoy life, moments and people. I hope that everyone else does the same. Life is simply too short not to find joy!

Bit of Emotional Release

I’m coming up on my 19th year of remission from Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma. I have a good friend going through cancer treatment and a family member that is dying from cancer, so it’s pretty much assured that my own treatment is heavy on my mind these days.

I’ve been thinking about my savior a lot lately. No, nothing spiritual, the doctor that saved my life with the experimental treatment. I’ve been wondering where he is, if he went back to Greece, if he was still at Dana Farber, if he was still doing research. I finally Googled him.

I found him in seconds. Why I didn’t think of doing that sooner, I have no idea. I’m on the computer everyday, for work, for school, I should have searched for him before. He is no longer with Dana Farber but another major Boston hospital. He’s still doing research but also seeing patients too.

I was inspired after finding him. I sat down and wrote a short letter thanking him. I know he’s a doctor, he doesn’t expect a thank you. Heck I don’t even know if he’s going to remember who I am, but that’s ok. It was good for me to sit down and write to him. It felt good. Maybe it’ll even brighten his day when he gets the letter.

Whether I ever hear back from him or not, I feel good because I was able to say thank you to him, something I don’t think that I ever did years ago.

Princess Cleo

There once was a Princess named Cleo. She was a very sweet girl, who thought she would melt if she went out in the rain. Sounds like the beginning of a story you’d make up to tell your children to put them to bed, right? Well Cleo is actually a boxer. A very sweet one that is sick. But she’s not just any old dog. She belongs to my best friend, Vickie (yes my best friend has the same first name, but spelled differently) and Cleo along with her brother Gunther hold very special places in my heart.

Isn’t she cute? How can you not love that face!

Vickie doesn’t have any children, her dogs have been her kids. And they are amazing personalities. Cleo is definitely the princess, who thinks that she will melt in the rain. Gunther is the protector, but he’s also a mush and loves to snuggle.

Cleo has had her share of scares over the years. I think it was within the first year that Vickie and her boyfriend had Cleo that she was hit by a mini van. She survived and they were able to put her back together. She’s got some metal holding her together but she pulled through like a trooper.

Three years ago, Cleo developed a heart condition called cardiomyopathy with tachycardia. They predicted she may only live another year. She’s proved them wrong, with medication she’s been doing great.

This summer she has developed a tumor on her leg. It started small but has grown. Gilbert (yes, Vickie named the tumor, we are silly and name inanimate objects) has gotten to the size of a really big golf ball and is on the verge of rupturing. If it does, then Cleo will have to be put to sleep.

So within the next two weeks Cleo is going to have surgery to remove Gilbert. But in order for her to have the surgery, she needs to have a complete heart work up completed first because of her heart condition. This is expensive.

Gunther, Cleo’s brother, had surgery on his knees a while ago and Vickie just finally got done paying for that and finished paying for Cleo’s outstanding medical bills. She was all caught up. Not she needs to come up with almost $3,000 for Cleo’s life saving surgery.

Cleo and her brother, Gunther. They are two peas in a pod.

I’m going to do something I have never done and probably will never ask again. I’m asking for donations for the “Save Cleo” fund. I created an account through a site called Chip In, that allows people to help each other out. Every little bit helps, if you could donate 50 cents, or a dollar, that would be great. And please pass this story along. Please help save Princess Cleo.

http://cleossurgery.chipin.com/cleos-surgery

Insanity Inspired

Its been a while since my last post, my life has gotten busier since my daughtermove to TN. I really thought that when she moved I’d have all this spare time,but that really hasn’t been the case ar all.

First I’ve started doing graphic design work for a friends business. That has kept me really busy, but I’ve loved every second of it. It’s great experience and could lead to a full time job with her in the future.

Then my friends have been amazing, keeping me busy and distracted when I needed it the most. I even took a trip to Coney Island with my amazing best friend. Neither of us had ever been, it was great fun. We saw a drag queen burlesque show, some very interesting people watching and a sans sculpture contest on the beach.  It was a blast.

This past weekend I eccentially locked myself in my apartment and cleaned all weekend. I feel so much better now that a lot of the clutter is gone. Though the cat hair is a little out of control. My beautiful Maine Coon cat sheds entirely too much. I vacuumed 4 times in 2 days and still can’t get rid of all the cat hair on the carpet.

My insane cleaning spree (it really was insane) inspired the artist in me. I’ve done 3 paintings tonight, I’m going to hang the in my office. There’s no art work there at all and I’m thinking that if I dress up the walls a bit it will help inspire me at work.

Really???

So my baby girl is living in TN. I’ve made it through the first week and I even started to change her room into an office/meditation area. But first I needed to clean in there.

Let me preface this, I had long ago given up trying to clean my daughter’s room. Every time I did it, I needed 2 full days to go through it and only when she wasn’t there, otherwise she would interfere and there was no getting it done. So the last time that I had cleaned her room was when she was 15, when she still went to her dad’s every other weekend and I could do it when she was gone.

So when she packed up and moved, I actually thought her room was empty, my mom had helped her pack, so I thought a little light cleaning would be all that was needed. I was wrong. My daughter’s decorating style included using masking tape to attach random things to the walls. Things like latex balloons, crepe paper streamers, movie tickets, etc. The balloons deflated and she still kept them taped to her closet door molding. They got really old, they basically kind of melted to the molding. What didn’t melt, disintegrated when I tried to remove it. 

My question again is…really?? That was necessary?? Sometimes I would really like to know what goes through the mind of kids these days.

I’m done venting. On a positive note, I do have my desk moved into the room, and I’ve started my next 2 classes for school and I’ve started doing graphic design work for a friend of mine. This is all keeping me very, very busy. I don’t have any free time. Why did I think that because Tiff had moved that I would have all this free time? 

Today’s a New Day

The past week and a half has been crazy insane. My mom and step dad were here visiting and helping prepare for my daughter’s graduation and move. Thank goodness I had the sense to take the whole week off from work and even tacked on an extra day. We were out straight the whole week. I feel like I need a vacation to recover from my vacation.

But I digress, Tiffany turned 19 on Saturday, she graduated on Sunday and she left yesterday morning at 3am to move to TN with my mom and step dad. I kept myself together as much as I could last week. I held the tears in. I didn’t let Tiff see me cry. Not till the end, just before she left. I couldn’t control them anymore.

My brother is amazing. He’s helped keep me together through all this. I do not know what I’d do without him.

So my baby is in TN and I have an empty room in my apartment. The first thing one of my friend’s said to me, is what are you going to do with the room, you can’t leave it empty. (Well actually, it’s not completely empty, her bed is there and a dresser, but everything else is gone). So I’ve decided that I’m going to re-purpose the room. I’ll make her bed into a day bed, I’m going to move my desk in there so that I can use it as an office area and I’m going to get some big pillows and set up a yoga/meditation area too.Big plans for a small space, but I think I can make it work.

Besides that, I’ve still got school work, I’m helping a friend out with a bunch of graphic design projects, I’m looking to start going to Yoga classes and finally getting back into the gym. So I’m keeping busy and keeping telling myself that this is a great move for her. I know it really is. I’m so proud of her for taking this plunge. I know she can do great things, she has only to try and she will find that she will.

So Today’s a new day, an empty nester I am. It’s not the end, it’s a beginning, let’s see where that road leads me…….

The Countdown has begun….

In less than two weeks, my daughter turns 19, she graduates from high school and she leaves for Tennessee to live with her grandmother, my mom. There is so much stress and anxiety and wishing and hoping and let’s just face it, I’m a ball of freaking emotions and really don’t know which one to pick at the moment.

I’m happy that my wonderful daughter is growing up, that she made this choice on her own to start fresh with new people, new faces, but safe because she is with my mom. I know that this is a good thing because here, she relies on me entirely too much and I don’t think that would change after graduation, she needs this to help her spread her wings.

I wish that there was more time before she leaves, before she graduates. I’m going to miss her horribly and want to spend every possible second that I can with her. Just thinking about her moving almost makes me stop dead in my tracks and takes my breath away. This is where the stress and anxiety come into play. I’m nervous, not about her, I know she’s going to do great, but about me. I know that with time that I’ll cope fine. It just brings me back to the days when her dad and I first split up and I didn’t know what to do with myself on weekends when she was with him.

Back then I kind of ended up going a little wild and crazy. After I got used to her going with her dad, I started going out, clubbing, drinking, dating. But Tiff never saw the crazy side because it was only on those weekends she was gone. I was her normal, down to earth mom when she got back. But now that’s just not who I am anymore and hasn’t been for a long time. I think it’ll be a good time to throw myself into my school work, going to the gym, taking some yoga classes and just doing good by me and my body. I’ve put my poor body through so much over the years, that it’s time I finally took care of it and made it healthy and fit.

So while I’m going to miss her and break down in tears at the thought of her gone. It will be good for both of us. I’m proud of her for the young woman that she’s become. That she sticks to her morals, that she doesn’t put up with people treating her like dirt. I love my baby with all my heart and hope that she achieves her dreams, because i know, without a doubt that she has the tools and the know how to reach out and grab them. She just needs to figure out what they are first.

 

Voices…..Shadows…Scary?

Growing up I lived in the house that went bump in the night. We grew up with ghosts, knowing they were there, sometimes catching an occasional shadow around the corner, things mysteriously being moved when no one was in the room, noises from other areas where no one was. To me that was normal, that was what I grew up with.

My mom’s family has Clairvoyance that has been passed down through the generations. So I guess you’d consider us “sensitive” to the things that go bump in the night. No, I can not tell the future. I don’t know the winning lottery numbers (although, I really wish that I did).

As I’ve grown older, I’ve lost loved ones and they give me little clues that they are around, watching over me. I love that, I love knowing that they are still with me even though their gone, that they check in on me. What I’m not crazy over is the ones that I don’t know. I work in a building that has crazy spirit energy. I see shadows all the time, I get tapped on the shoulder when no one’s there and yesterday one of them called my name and scared the bajeezus out of me.

It’s one thing to hear Nana or Grampa call my name (which they never have, that I remember anyways) they love me, would never do me any harm. It’s a completely different thing to be sitting here in the middle of the day in my office with no one else nearby and hearing a deep male voice call out your name. It’s freaky and a little scary.

Yoga, Pilates….You want me to do what?

My nutritionist, actually she’s more than that, she’s more of a coach, so I’ll just call her that on here. My Coach recommended that in addition to changing some things with my diet, and the three days a week that I work out at the gym that I should add something else. Something to confuse my muscles and shake up the routine.

I didn’t know that muscles could be confused or that they needed to be confused, but ok. I’m all for confusing my body and playing tricks on it.  So now it’s deciding on something else to do, yoga, pilates, Zumba, swimming, etc, etc.

My gym doesn’t have a pool and it’s too freaking cold outside for swimming in New England right now, so that’s off the list. I checked out the classes available at my gym and they have a couple of yoga classes, Zumba and 2 different types of pilates classes. One’s called Bender Ball Pilates and the other is Piloxing. Where do they come up with these names? It just sounds funny. I understand that (after reading the description on the classes) Bender Ball Pilates is strengthening the core muscles and you use a ball and there’s balance involved. But it still sounds funny. Piloxing is a combination of Pilates and Boxing.

So my BFF and I are going to try a yoga class and Bendar Ball Pilates. The pilates class could be amusing for the other participants. I tend to trip over my own two feet and have no sense of balance, and I’m going to balance myself on a big round ball during an exercise class. I see comic relief for the other class members, that’s ok, I’ll laugh too.

 

Time Flies

In a little over a month, my one and only baby is flying away (well actually riding in a truck, but you get the picture). She graduates from high school and the following day she leaves with my mom to move 14 hours away (driving that is). I’m ok with her going, I actually suggested it. But I’m finding that as time goes on and it gets closer, I’m wondering what the heck am I going to do without her.

Yeah, she’s a crazy teenager and sometimes she doesn’t want anything to do with me but there are other times when we’re inseparable. Like recently, I just wanted to take a drive to the park by the ocean and spend an hour walking, she came with me. We had fun, we sang, we laughed, we took pictures. She loves to go and watch kids movies with me, we do Drive-in nights in the summer, we go out to eat, she helps with our crazy Maine Coon cat (this cat is enormous but very cool).

I guess I’m just saying that I’m going to miss her horribly. I still won’t stop her from going, I think this will be a good move for her. She’ll get a taste of freedom and maybe get some butt kicking by her Nana (which she needs on occasion) and won’t have me hovering nearby.

So I will immerse myself into school, work (uggg), books, spending time with friends and my brother, and try to adjust to being an empty nester, wow I’m way too young for that term.

On the plus side, my house will stay cleaner. I won’t have to beg anyone to help clean up the mess that she created. Worry about dishes that she’s hidden in her room, or left sitting on the coffee table. If something breaks, it’s only me and the cat. I knew if I thought long enough, I’d find some cheerful things.